Bandisms
This is a list of funny things that my band directors have said. Warning: these directors aren't exactly right in the head. Please do not don't riducle them.
"Half note gets two counts."
"How many beats does Mr. Quarter Note get?"
"How do you know it's not a Mrs.? Are you sexist?"
Ok, fine. Mr. or Mrs. Quarter note."
"Mr. Key Signature has an F# in it."
"Or Mrs."
"No. Just Mr. It's a transexual key signature. Very 2001."
Look at the left of the staff, right after the clef. There is a key sinature. Observe it, learn it, live it, breathe it, love it play it."
"Get down and dirty."
"No matter what these other marching bands are capible of, you are by far the groover band."
"Shut up, Direckson."
"Llamas?! Llamas! The llamas are comming! Yama....Yama.....Yama...."
"I was this close to quitting my job today."
"Oh my God. That was awful. Just completely harendous. It's like a dead body. No, you know, like doing dental work on a horrably burnt and scorched body. Well...it kinda, sorta was like the second movement...but I don't know."
"WHAT?"
"Never mind...just let me be way in out-left orbit today."
"That's WRONG!!! But it's not YOUR fault it's wrong. It's you old DIRECTOR'S fault becuase he didn't TEACH you how to do it RIGHT."
"Your such a little punk."
"Horns, that was a mess. It was totally indeciferable. I'm sorry, I'm getting to the age where I...well, no...I do care. I guess I care. I'm just not gonna sugar-coat anything."
"You're all going to suck and it's not my fault."
"Asshole..I'm sorry."
"You can buy my music at 1-800-555-3456 or at printmusicnow.com. Yes, printmusicnow.com. And at printmusicnow.com you can get Be Thou My Vision for only $40. Yes, my friends, printmusicnow.com."
"Dear Good Lord, please let the high woodwinds play that 5 note run right next week unlike they have been for the past 4 weeks, amen."
(To invalid conductor) "Isn't it implied in music with time signature changes that you keep the eighth note the same tempo unless is says otherwise?"
"No. That would be impossible. There's no way to do that."
"Well that's the way the youth band did it"
"Hmm...let me think about this. Ok band, I've decided to keep the eighth note the same."
"Tubas! You sound like a dancing elephat with a clarinet up his rear end!"
"It's like Unsolved Mysteries. Trumpets, where'd the melody go? No one knows."
"I need y'all to start at measure 5. You know, I'm sorry y'all, but down in Virginia, y'all's used. To tell y'all the truth, y'all should get used to y'all. It's a perfectly fine word."
"Alright...try it again, but this time with feeling. DodwedwedweDabodedap zapzittidobedapbow."
"mmmmmmmWEEEEEEEEE"
"Que?"
"That was la caca de torro."
"Shut up."
"1....2....1 2 3 Shut up."
"Ah, Washington D.C. Beautiful city. Wonderful monuments. Just don't go into the wrong part of town at night or you won't come back."
"How many of you want to do physical harm to Mr. Mahadeen over here right now?"
Trumpets, if you do not play in tune, God will get angry. He will strike you down and turn you into bacon."
"Wow. You guys sound like a much different band than you did last week. That's a very good thing. Ok. Now that I've complimented you all, in measure 47..."
"(While Conducting)...Gotta play those together.....louder 3rds.....I'm going to kill the flutes.....In tune...nope..that didn't work..I'm going to commit homicide....JOHN, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!"
"Ever wonder why all oboes are obnoxious? It's because of all the cranial pressure they're under when playing."
"I'm getting snobbier, aren't I? That's not good. I'm acting like I'm 75."
"Chris isn't with us tonight becuase he is locked inside his own house."
"Precussion! You sound like rocks dropping an a tin roof!"
"I would like to start at measure 37 for all Americans in the hope we can move as one to meause 38, 39, and 40, and hopefully, in the future, 50 and 60."
"(we finish playing one of the director's pieces) So what did you think? Good? Yes. Okay. Too bad it's never going to get published (throws score)."
"Now...this concert is really important. You all have to be there."
"I can't make it."
"Your dead."
"Yea...there's lots of little solos in this song."
"That's why your dead."
"Damn brassholes."
"Ahhhhhh!!!! That was awful!!!!!!"
"In a few moments, everyone in this room is going to be dead."
"That's the last time I ask a serious question becuase you're all too stupid to answer them."
"Presto means fast trumpet stuff."
"We have got to have the most retarded section."
"Did you know that my barber's freind Lou spent sometime in a federal prison. That doesn't make Lou a bad man, but I learned a lot of things about Lou that I didn't want to know. Going to that barber, never again."
"Oh, Bloomfield Avenue. Mike, do you play in the street?"
"STOP!!!! 7. *laughs* That was really bad."
"The Yankees are finnaly getting the beating they deserve."
"I was told to right a peice for middle school band. I get to the music camp, and I find 4 graders asking me 'what's the fingering for f-sharp, Mr. Burns?' and my replying, 'your teacher will show you Joey, your teacher will show you.'"
"Don't move. I might kill someone."
"I know you did not just play that how I heard it. Again. Nope...you guys really did play it that bad."
"Flutes, don't worry about the grace notes. All Mr. Stamp wants is high flute stuff, as long as it's together. Play whatever notes you want as long as they're fast and high."
"Mr. Burns....you know that isn't true. We're both composers, we write what we want. If he wanted them to play whatever notes they wanted as long as they're fast and high, he would have written on the part, 'Play whatever you want as long as it's fast and high' instead of writing all the notes."
"Don't argue with me, Mike."
"Horns, if I'm going to commit suicide, I don't want to do it here. I want to do it in a nice, exoctic place...nice and beautiful. But, I am prepared, and if I have to I will do it here."
"Trumpets, what you have in front of you is a sheet of paper. You will notice how this paper has ink-blots on it called notes. Notes, usually, all have the same shape. They are very round, like a circle. Sometimes, in fact, most of the time there will be a vertical line attached to the circle known as a note. These lines are called stems, like a flower. These stems can go either up or down. Some very special notes get another line attached to the stem, called a flag becuase it looks like a flag in the wind. Some of the special notes are in groups. When this happens there is no flag, but don't worry becuase they are connected. The line that connects them is called a beam, like the things that hold up your house. Anything else you see on the paper DOES NOT GET A SOUND!!!!!!!"
"I'm tired of life, Mike. I think I'm going to leave this school and town unoticed, change my identity and live in a monostary in the middle of Missouri for three years just to get away from it all."
